happy feet

why aren't all movie theatres hoppable? they should have a one price sees all type of deal. instead i'm forced to hide and lurk and wait for attendants to stop paying attention. it's part of the fun i suppose, but then you can get stuck watching half a film (or all of it) that absolutely blows -- like this one! it's like karaoke -- and tap-araoke -- with animated penguins. terrible.

miami vice

already hugely wary of michael mann (last of the mohicans, heat, the insider) due to "collateral," i was willing to give this (once-)gifted director another chance. we walked out of miami vice within the first hour. just terrible. all the faults exhibited in collateral plus horrific dialogue, pacing, acting, and pretty much everything you'd look for in a movie. it's laugh out loud bad.

talladega nights

two terrible movies in a row? why not? we followed up miami vice with talladega nights. i only watched it because i had no other choice. i should have chosen suicide. while talladega nights is entertaining in the crudest sense of the word (and rather well acted), it's senseless drivel for the easily amused masses. "if you're not first, you're last." i'd rather have been dead.

akeelah and the bee

when was the last time you walked out of a movie? well for me it was last friday, within 20 minutes of watching akeelah and the bee. and i was movie hopping too, meaning i was virtually watching it for free. despite an interesting marketing strategy with starbucks and good reviews, this movie was about as bad as it gets. terrible dialogue (i mean, really bad), incredibly stereotypical characters, and a premise that has already been done countless number of times. i don't even have a word (or a country of origin) for how bad this movie was shaping up to be.

the jerk

worst movie ever. not literally, but really, for a film regularly hailed as a classic, it most certainly wasn't. juvenile and ridiculous. i compared it to early ashton kutcher. well, ashton kutcher period actually. skip it. i don't even have 100 words to describe this movie so i'll stop here.

the producers

understanding that films rarely do musical versions justice, i still saw this movie. the one thing that stood out was how old nathan lane and even matthew broderick looked. the film itself dragged and was extremely hammy overall. it was just barely entertaining throughout. there really aren't any memorable songs, segments, or scenes. i’d rather have seen a full on production of "springtime for hitler.”

now i understand why. this was one of mel brook's earlier works, before he really hit his comedic stride. no wonder.

charlie & the chocolate factory

you remember the original chocolate factory movie don't you? craziness, psychedelia, oompas loompas? re-mixing johnny depp and tim burton with the original should only sweeten the concoction right? sadly, no. this version about our favorite chocolatier starts off promisingly enough, but an hour into it, you start to suspect that the movie -- like japanese gum -- has quickly lost its flavor. i liked the geisel-ian "i hate kids" willy wonka but all the backstory on him was tedious and wholly unnecessary. we know willy is weird, who cares why? show me the wizardry, enough about the wizard.

march of the penguins

penguins are people too! watch them eat, watch them swim, watch them shuffle around. watch them love and care for one other. if you’ve never seen the struggle that goes into making gushingly cute baby penguins, this movie will delight and enlighten. then again, with the languishing shots of snowstorms, southern lights and penguins huddling, this movie could bore you right to death. alright, i get it, penguins have to walk seventy miles – uphill both ways -- enough already.

i also don’t want my animals anthropomorphized, i want to know what compels an animal to shuffle seventy miles, not be shown every agonizing step.